The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
What drink are we having for lunch?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
