nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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