Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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