youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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