i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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