I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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