I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
