Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
