If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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