you didnt know i had herpes?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
