11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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