a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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