Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
