letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
PANTIES FOUND
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