It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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