Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
