the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
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There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
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I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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