Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Dear god my vagina.
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