i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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