Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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