my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
