: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i barfeds in our rink
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
