I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
