I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You are a genius and a whore.
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