what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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