just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
