Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
