i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
did i walk over a car last night?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
