Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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