I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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