I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
