My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
