this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
