Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
