he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
