Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
