I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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