smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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