Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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