I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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