I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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