The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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