Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
