I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
