the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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