Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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