Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
