so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
