just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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