If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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