Too much gin, very little bucket
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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