Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
