this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
