She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
