OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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