It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Randomize
